Hungry Heart

I often feel at my saddest moments that my heart has a hole in it and that nothing I can ever do can fill it back up again.  I keep trying though, I keep trying to fill it with all sorts of bad habits.  Shopping, watching TV, gossiping, and of course, eating.  One would think it would be more productive to try and fill it with good habits, so I’m working on that separately.  That’s why I write this blog, for instance.  We have an expression at Weight Watchers – of course I can’t remember exactly how it goes, but it’s something like “Are you hungry in your stomach or your heart?”

At first I used to think, “What’s the difference? I’m hungry, I want to eat now.”  (When hungry, I’m just a petulant child.)  Then I internalized that statement and sometimes when I have a little bit of will power and presence of mind, I ask myself that question, “Where are you hungry?”

Tonight, I can’t sleep.   No particular reason, just can’t seem to fall asleep. Tried reading in bed, tried turning off the light, even tried a little facebook and so far nothing has worked.  While sitting at my computer, I thought, “oh maybe I should eat something?”  Something with chocolate, something sweet, something to fill the hole in my heart.  Ugh, but I already brushed my teeth for the night and I don’t have anything good in the kitchen.  I just want to nibble, pass the time.  I sat at my computer and pondered this another moment. “Maybe you should write about this?”  Okay, I will.  Might as well, nothing else to do at 12:46.   I decided that I would write and I would eat.  I have about 10 cherries in my fridge.  Fresh, delicious, plump cherries.  Yes, I will eat those.  I nibbled, I wrote – it was nice.  So what are the “key learnings” here? (that’s something they would say at my job!) Key learnings:  1)don’t just eat because you feel empty, eat because you feel empty in your stomach.  2)No one ever got fat eating 10 cherries. 3)fill that hole with love, real love, not the love in a can of redi-whip – its fake whip cream and fake consolation for a black hole in your heart 4)go to bed Marie, it will all be alright in the morning

Call to action: Wedding dress stories needed

Hello Everyone,

I’m working on a piece about my own experience buying and fitting into my wedding dress.  I’m seeking information from real women about their own experience with wedding or bridesmaid dresses.  If you have answers to any of the following questions, please email me your responses at affairwithcheese@hotmail.com.  All answers can be kept confidential.

Thank you in advance!

~Marie

Questions to consider:

Did your wedding dress fit you the way you wanted on the day of your wedding?

Were you horrified at the thought of buying a dress 2 sizes bigger than usual?

Did you argue with the seamstress?

If so, about what?

Did you crash diet before your wedding?

If so, which diet?  And, did it work?

Were you disappointed when you saw pictures of yourself after the big day?

Did you feel fat the day of your wedding?

Tonight, we did something wild…

…and turned off the television.

As you know, I’m taking the summer off from many things and one of those happens to be sitting home night after night watching tv.  First of all, there’s nothing good on.  Secondly, it’s summer! and I don’t want to sit home doing nothing and being tempted to eat.  This is why I started doing theatre back in January 2009 again – gotta keep busy and outta the fridge every night.

Tonight, I had plans to come home and hop in the car to take a quick run to the beach club for a dip in the pool.  Unfortunately, it started raining, and the weather took and unfavorable turn even once the rain stopped.  No pool for me.

After a pretty sensible dinner at home and a solid hour and a half of TV shows we had DVR’d, I was bored.  I told Ran, “Okay, I’m done with TV for tonight” and we turned the sucker off.

Let’s face it – TV is great because it’s the ultimate tonic.  It lulls you to sleep, it distracts you from your problems, it keeps you chilled out on the couch, it never challenges you or makes you sweat.  I mean, there’s a reason they call it the boob tube, right?  I’m not saying I’m going to become one of those people who says, “Oh I don’t even own a TV” – because frankly, Ran will divorce me.  But seriously, people occupied themselves for thousands of years before there was TV, or Pinkberry or even a printed book.  We used to be more creative back then as a society.  People read books (once available), told stories, had conversations! Wild! Right?

While they were doing all this (telling of stories, etc) they were also not eating mindlessly.  The “snack” hadn’t been invented yet and in order to eat some food, you had to cook it, clean it, and in some cases, kill it!  It took a lot of effort to eat something, so you did it carefully.  You only ate when you were hungry, instead of out of boredom.  You didn’t just chomp into a bag of Doritos for fun!  (what an idea, eating crap for fun).

So Marie and Ran Isner took a stand on Monday night and stopped eating, stopped boob tubing and actually did something productive for once.  And, you know what?  We enjoyed it.  We had a few laughs, talked with each other, and worked on our wedding photo album.  Since our 1 year anniversary is rapidly approaching, it seemed time to actually sit down and do the album, with no distractions.

I challenge you to turn off the TV once in a while, or better yet, don’t even turn it on some nights and see what might develop.  Oh, and put down the Doritos, even for fun.

Collectible

Perfect little doll on my shelf

sweet as can be imagined

every inch of clay

delicately formed and delivered

to me like a birthday present

I want to unwrap you

every now and then

remove you from

protective covering

enjoy your delights

Take in your elegant costume

preen your collar and cuffs

sniff your aftershave

and wiggle your arms and legs

to make sure they still work

Twist you around

to make you dance with me

whisper secrets in your ear

Imagine all the lovely trinkets

you would give me

all the sugary compliments

Maybe even let you kiss me

a peck in the dark

Finally, I will tire

and want a new distraction

your delightful words and trinkets

no longer such a thrill

I will put you back

where you belong

your home, a hard shell

and firmly close the lid

slide you back onto the shelf

Don’t fret my friendly folly

someday I’ll return

to coax you out again

dust you off and let you

worship me

like you always wanted to.

Bubbles Blown

You got out easy, unsatisfied

I am still haunted by every moment

so naked and quiet.

Everywhere around our place, I see us

Our words hanging in the air above

like bubbles blown by some silly child

just floating

momentarily

until the inevitable – a pop

It’s Over.

Fading like the memory of  an old lover’s smile

You know it’s in your head somewhere

washed out and worn.

You miss the vividness of the memory

You miss the tingle you once felt

at the thought of him.

Now, I suffer in sweet silence

my only comfort a shred of text

a single cloth

with your scent.

Smooth, heavy, laced with sweat and sandalwood.

I can still feel your breath upon my neck, my ears, my lips

touched you so often, yet never enough to satisfy me.