Week 3 – Big Shot

June 23, 2016

As I was contemplating starting this entry yesterday, I thought, “I won’t know what to say until I see how much weight I’ve lost/gained”.  I realized then, that defeats the whole purpose of taking this on as a holistic challenge.  It’s not just about the weight, is it Marie?

So, yes, I am up this week. But I’m really pleased actually, because this week I didn’t cleanse at all so I know that it’s normal to rebound by 1lbs or so.  In the past, I’ve used cleansing unwisely as a way to “correct” bad eating over a weekend or after a night out.  But that was never really the point of cleansing or a good idea.  If you’re gonna go out and eat nachos and pizza then you’re cleanse day is gonna be hella rough.  Plus you’ll never lose weight that way, you’ll just maintain – IF you’re lucky.  Cleansing is meant to be part of a healthy lifestyle, not a quick fix.

Plus last week I’d reclaimed my lowest weight since giving birth to Daphne, so I was walking tall and with a little big shot swagger.  Previously, I would self sabotage at this point because I’d be filled with cockiness and feeling so proud of my 189lbs.  I’m proud to say this time, I didn’t go overboard and I truly stayed the course.

I also really got into my workouts this week making it a priority to  do 3 for the week.  I spend 3 days in a row at boot camp and it was great.  I definitely struggled a bit at first after not being there for 10 days, but by class 3 I was back in the groove.  No doubt my bullet journal is helping in this area since I get to mark off each workout on a chart.  My inner first grader is excited to add a sticker to my chart!

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A page from my Bullet Journal tracking Workouts

On Friday night I finally got to see Billy Joel in concert!  I’ve always loved his music ever since “We didn’t start the fire” came out!  I bought us tickets back in December so I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time!  Unbeknownst to me, my husband also bought tickets for a concert in March (with better seats).  When we showed up for the concert in March though we realized we’d had the wrong night and we’d actually missed it!  I was so disappointed!  Ran had an out of body experience when the usher told us the bad news.  But I said, “don’t worry, we’re still going in June!”  It was such a fun concert, Billy sounded amazing and he played all my favorites.  I’m so glad we were able to experience it!

 

My Old Navy Size 16 jeans from right after giving birth are finally going in the recycle bin!

 

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All the Size 16/14 pants going buh-bye!

Another thanks to my bullet journal, I wrote down last weekend the task of “putting away the winter clothes”, which also meant “taking out the summer clothes”.  It was a proud moment for me when I went through many items from summer 2013 and was able to purge the too big, keep the items that fit again (!), and create a clearing in my drawers and closet that left me feeling refreshed.  Never underestimate the power of cleaning out your closet, it leads to wonderful feelings!

Week 3 Results

Weight: 190.2 (-7 since start, +1.2 since last week)

Workouts: 3 (Boot camp 3 days in a row!), 5 total since start

Cleanse days completed this week: 0 (4 total for the challenge)

Non-Scale Victory: Ate out at an Italian restaurant, and managed to find something gluten and dairy free and still enjoy it! Plus I didn’t overate just because I paid for the meal (which is something I used to do because I felt guilty about eating out even though I was full already).

What I want to be acknowledged for this week:  Now when I wake up in the morning I don’t go straight for my phone and to check Facebook.  I actually get my morning started without it and I feel so much lighter.  Looking at bad news on line or other negative stuff really gets to me first thing in the morning, and since I’ve stopped doing that I find myself cuddling with my kids more, being less cranky and just enjoying mornings more in general.  I’m gonna keep it up! Plus, I have a less likely chance of dropping my phone in the toilet!! (I went there! LOL)

Book I finished this week: Organize Your Life, by Susan Sly

There’s one thing I love about NYC apartments, there’s no room to hold onto stuff.  I have a 2 bedroom apartment that’s roughly 800 square feet.  There’s 2 adults, 1 baby and 1 dog – needless to say we are comfortable but cramped.  We have a small storage unit in the neighborhood and keep a lot of stuff at my mother’s on Long Island.  But still, there is a finite amount of space and stuff that can be kept.

I have fond memories of cleaning out my closet with a good friend (who actually was a professional closet organizer as an adult!) when we were little girls.  First you dump out all the stuff onto the floor, sift through it all, and judiciously decide what gets put back, what gets thrown out and what goes to the needy.  It’s usually a somewhat fun task because you get to comb through the memories of your things (love letters, achievements, pictures) while also crossing “cleaning out the closet” off a to-do list.  There’s nothing in life I love more than crossing something off my to-do list.

If the experience can be fun, even cathartic, then why do I avoid it like the plague every 6 months or so?  I clear things out, throw away the non-essentials, tuck away the important pieces and then slowly let the beautifully organized closet devolve into a mess of crap.  I can never seem to maintain the beautifully organized closet, or underwear drawer, or bookshelf or junk drawer even.  Invariably it always ends up back in a state of disarray that needs hours of time devoted to its upkeep.

The past few weeks I’ve been really experiencing fatigue.  Droopy eyes, slow moving limbs, and fantasies of going back down for a nap like my toddler does.  Granted, little Dylan has been giving us a hard time some nights, but my fatigue seems a little extreme regardless.  So I think to myself, “what is going on with me?” First thought, “Am I pregnant?” Because as any woman who’s been pregnant knows, THAT is exhausting!  Nope not pregnant.  “Do I have the flu?” No symptoms of flu – just fatigue. “Am I eating right?” Yes and No.  We all know I do battle every day to eat right so I’m essentially eating my usual diet.  I don’t think this is a factor, though I do start to notice a few things. When I’m tired I crave sugar and carbs and when I eat carbs (especially at lunch) I long for a nap around 3pm.

Last question, “Am I depressed?”  Hm, interesting question.  I don’t feel depressed, in fact I’m more free and happier than I’ve been in years (maybe ever!)  As someone who has battled depression, I have to give the question some thought though.  I have been through a lot of changes lately: new home, new career, new way of life as a partial SAHM.  But these are all changes I’m happy about – so why on earth would I be depressed?

After some though and a lot of introspection I come to the less than sexy conclusion that I”m bored.

Yeah, that’s it – just bored.

And I think to myself, “Marie you are one selfish, vapid human being. You have SO MUCH to be grateful for and now you’re BORED.  Bored with LIFE? Life, the most amazing thing in the world and you are BORED. What’s wrong, not enough new episodes of Mad Men left to watch? Too much time to spend with your son?  Too much time to go to yoga? Geez, Marie, get back to me when you have some REAL problems.”

Don’t you love the voices inside your head? I spent a few days going over these questions in my head and tried to get at what was the source of my boredom.  I also tried to find wonder and excitement in the mundane – which I admit is a lot easier when you have a toddler around to play with.  In the end, I came to the realization that since leaving my full time job 7 months ago I have a lot less to be distracted with.  Less emails coming through on the phone, less meetings to attend, less fires to put out, less office pals to chat with, less office pals to bitch about and less money to earn.  Without all that stuff, it’s kinda just me, myself and I a lot of the time up in here.  Of course there’s time with family and friends which I love, but for the first time in my adult life there’s space.  There’s 3 hour long stretches when the baby sleeps and I think “Now what?”  (There’s only so much laundry one can do.)  That’s when I’m forced to look in – “Now what, Marie? Now what do you want to do?”

Those moments of space can be glorious, but they can also let all the bad stuff come up.  (See earlier discussion with the voice inside my head.)

Trying to drive out the bad or mask it is really exhausting!  It takes a ton of effort and when it doesn’t work and you are forced to try and eat your way out of it you get REALLY tired.  “This box of Entenmann’s cookies isn’t going to eat itself, so get chewing Marie!”

So after a nap on Wednesday (for both me and Dylan), I thought, “Okay NOW WHAT?”  It was 5pm and there were hours to fill before dinner and bedtime.  So I opened my closet.  “This closet isn’t going to organize itself, now get cracking Marie.”  I pulled everything out, made piles (keep, store, give away) and rediscovered some of my possessions (I forgot about those shoes!) and started to make some space in my mind and in the closet.

It felt good.

Today I tackled a book shelf and the corner of my living room where my desk is.  The poor desk has been buried in crap for months.  Happy to report I am sitting at the desk now actually typing this blog post (progress, People!).

I know it sounds silly, but sometimes the clutter in your head and the clutter in your space are connected.  It’s like with all that crap taking over your apartment it also takes over your mental space and soon you are double fisting cookies while watching Downton Abbey and wondering who you’ve become.

I believe this is why stores like Container Store exist – because sooner or later we all have to turn off the TV, put down the cookie and clean out some shit!

When I do these projects I always try and remember 2 things.  1) It’s a work in progress, so don’t try and be perfect and 2) It’s not gonna stay this way for long, so don’t get upset when it get messed up

And with that, I think I hear Dylan waking up from his nap.

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