Week 9 – What’s Life Without Losers

August 4, 2016

Week 9

I think I finally lit myself on fire.  When I asked Preston Smiles, “How do I inspire the genius in others?” He said, “Light yourself on fire.”  The next day Ran and I created this challenge and decided to share every step of it warts and all.  It’s been kind of amazing to see the ripple effect it has had on my life.  Not only losing weight, but also coming to terms with all the fears I had about releasing this weight and what it would mean to stop struggling.

Last week when I broke through again on my weight loss and hit 187.6 I felt in my bones like, “oh this is what I was supposed to do.”  Not just lose weight, but create all the habits of taking good care of myself that had always alluded me.  Consistency has never really been my strong suit in my life.  I was usually good at committing to activities and seeing them through, but I was always scrambling to get places and make it happen.  I was never great at getting to work on time (or at a consistent time).  I wasn’t great at keeping up with housework, I couldn’t maintain a workout regimen, I couldn’t even consistently write my blog!  The first thing I ever really did consistently was back in 2008 when I counted Weight Watchers points for a solid year.  I hit 173lbs – felt good about myself and went back to doing theater for fun and then I stopped counting points and well, you know how the rest turned out.

Part of this challenge for me has been about sticking to the plan.  Write the blog every Wednesday, take your picture every week, keep up with the videos, get your ass to the gym, cook a few times a week, drink your damn shakes, cleanse 4 days a month.  Just follow the damn instructions (that I wrote btw!).  And somehow by creating all these boundaries, I found my freedom.  I feel like (this is corny) but I feel like I am falling in love with myself for the first time in a long time.  I’m not perfect, I’m not at my goal weight, but I love myself anyway.  I’m not a loser.  I can be sexy and confident and not have to apologize for it.  I can be all these things even when I’m 189.6lbs.

It’s like I’m finally content with who I am when I step on the scale.  I’m not going to let that number define who I should be anymore.

I’m also finally in a place where I can set a goal weight and chart a course to get there. Before I was always too afraid that I’d never reach it so I never even talked about it.  My daughter will be 2 in October, and that’s when I’ll be at my goal of releasing 50lbs.  I am already talking to myself like someone who weighs 170.  I am liberating that Marie right now.  I’m freeing her and she will come forth when the time is right.  When I’ve removed all the excess fear, shame, guilt, jealousy, doubt and resentment from her, she will be who she always was underneath.  It’s not about changing who I am, it’s about becoming who I am.

Week 9 Results

Weight: 189.6 (-7.4 since start, +2.0 change since last week)

Workouts: 3 (26 total since start)

Cleanse days completed this week: 0 (8 total for the challenge)

Non-Scale Victory: Shopping for a new strapless bra to go with gala gown the lovely saleslady at Macy’s offered to measure me.  When she did she informed me I was down to a 34 size on the band, which I haven’t been probably in 5-6 years.  I was so happy!  I’ll never be the 34B average size, but at least having the 34 be a part of my size was such a thrill!

What I want to be acknowledged for this week:  It’s not always been easy for me to rest.  I used to feel like I always had to be doing something to prove my worth.  It was exhausting.  And what would happen is that I would get so burnt out being “on” all the time that I’d end up in bed for an entire weekend binge watching Downton Abbey.  This weekend we had my son’s birthday party and after it, I just rested.  I didn’t force myself to do more.  I just chilled the fuck out.  It was glorious.  And the next day I was in the gym at 9am.

Book I am reading this week: Love Louder, by Preston Smiles

This week’s title inspired by: What’s Life Without Losers, by Mikhael Paskalev

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