I survived, and I thrived

March 22, 2016

About a month ago, I woke up and went to my networking group like I do every Thursday. But there was a weird feeling in the back of my throat, it was like a hunger pain and somehow strangely familiar.  I thought for a moment and then I realized, OH, this is heartburn. (Or at least my body’s version of heartburn).  I remembered this feeling from my 2 pregnancies when your stomach is so big and your whole body is outta whack.  But, I wasn’t pregnant and I didn’t know why it was happening.  For about a week I suffered with heartburn everyday.  I tried Tums, Prilosec, sleeping with my head elevated, coconut oil and apple cider vinegar.  Nothing helped, except eating more.  Grrreat.

I went to urgent care and they ruled out an Ulcer (thank the lord!) and send me to a specialist.  I went, he didn’t offer me any insights except, this is your life now – get used to it, and take Prilosec.  Then I thought, this can’t be my life.  I know there’s got to be another way to get better.  I’ve been studying these alternative methods for years since I did my health coach training in 2013.  I believe in the mind body connection.  There has to be an answer or another way, right?

The heartburn continued and none of the remedies were working.  Finally I called a naturopath that I knew of, deciding, maybe THIS would give me some insight.  $250 for a visit? FINE, whatever it takes!  Waiting a few days for my appointment to come, I did some deep feeling (not thinking, because I do that ALL the time) and some reflection with the help of my coach.  All my life, I have stuffed down my feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness and disappointment with food.  I didn’t always struggle with my weight, but as an adult I have.  I’ve had moments of brilliance (like losing 23lbs before my wedding) but I have never conquered this particular demon.  This time, I stuffed myself so much that I actually gave myself heartburn.

Since January, everything in life was going great (business making money, marriage strong as ever, and finances all in order).  I should have been happy and dancing around in the glow of all the abundance I’d just spent 2 years building up.  Instead, I was scared and what do I do when I’m scared?  I eat.  I was so afraid of all this goodwill and abundance, I literally made myself sick over it.  I was so uncomfortable being successful that I pulled away from it.  You guys, this is really sad.  Why would abundance and success be scary? Why would it be so uncomfortable that I would sabotage myself and MAKE myself uncomfortable again? Because it’s familiar.  It’s the struggle that I know.  I’ve always thought anything worth having had to be gotten through struggle.  Struggle to make money, struggle to save money, struggle to get promoted, struggle to communicate with others. Literally everything in my life was defined by the STRUGGLE that it took me to get there.  It defined ME. Then it hit me, in August, I did a personal development workshop where I created the possibility of “peace.”  What’s the opposite of struggle? PEACE.  I figured it out in AUGUST, but it wasn’t till now 6 months later that I realized why PEACE was my possibility.  It would remove the struggle from my life.  My life would be about peace, abundance, happiness and flow.  That sounds like a life I want to live.

And of course, my body would be healthy and fit, not weighed down by unnecessary armor.

The doctor and I met, and I had a release of emotions that I can’t even begin to describe.  She managed to ask all the questions that had been swirling around in my heart and I cried tears of joy, exhaustion, and relief for the first time in a while.  She recommended a very strict elimination diet for 14 days so I could determine what food sensitivities I might have.  I started that day.  No dairy, gluten, sugar, eggs, corn, soy, or peanuts.  It required some serious preparation, grocery shopping and cooking on my part.  I had to bring my own food a few places and tell people repeatedly, “I can’t eat that.”  But by day 3, I felt amazing.  I had a 7am meeting and then dinner plans that night and I managed to get through the day with steady energy.  I felt lighter (and was lighter because I released a few pounds) almost immediately.

I realized that day when I was goofing around with my kids on the couch playing tickle monster that I was unleashed!  I felt so free to be myself in a way that I hadn’t felt in years.  Of course, at home with my kids I can be myself, but I haven’t been because I was so preoccupied with my own drama.  I don’t know how eliminating all those foods elevated my emotional life, but it did.  Tonight is day 14 of this elimination diet and I told someone today about it (while eating my avocado toast on gluten free bread) that “I survived..well actually, I thrived.”  And I meant it, for the first time a while.


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