Things are changing all around me

September 25, 2009

They cut down a tree on my block.  Not a particularly remarkable tree, just a tree that I used to park my car under.  I remember it, because whenever I parked my car there it would end up filthy!  Bird poo and buds from the tree were littered everywhere and I was always mad at myself for not remembering that parking spot was open for a reason!

Also, Mr Video closed.  Mr Video was a video rental place owned by a family friend of mine.  It was around the corner from my apartment and a constant in my life in Cobble Hill.  If I ever got locked out of my apartment or stuck in the rain I could always find refuge at Mr Video.  My husband even worked there for a year.  During that time, people thought I worked there too!  I was there all the time and even moonlighted there one night.  When they took down the sign last Saturday, the owner’s daughter was crying on the sidewalk.  I felt a twinge in my heart.  I wanted to cry too.  I didn’t want Mr Video to go.  Passing by the naked storefront all week made me sad and nostalgic.

Even our local homeless man, “Drummer”, is gone.  Some called him “Bum on Drums” because he was always drumming on trash cans and light poles on Court Street.  He would sing into an empty cup as if he was a ‘tween singing into a hairbrush at a slumber party.  Drummer was totally harmless and a fixture of life on Court Street.  I only saw him angry once when he knocked down all the newspaper stands (you know the kind where you stick a quarter in to get a paper) on my corner.  That scared me a little.  But where did he go?  I haven’t seen him in months.

Something about this time of year stirs things up within me, uncomfortable things, lonely things.  A crispness in the air brings me back to my childhood on Long Island.  The sun goes down early, I find I need a jacket, and I have no excuse to buy school supplies.  Oh and I start listening to sad music.  But why?  What is my problem?

For most of our lives this change of season leads us to a new school year.  I’ve been off the “school calendar” for 7 fall seasons now, and yet I still miss it.  I still want to go to Staples and pick out fresh paper and new designer pens.  I want a chance to reorganize my study habits and buy new color coded binders.  Maybe all I seek, is a fresh start.  No new school year, so no fresh start.

I just put new furniture in my bedroom and have been shopping wildly at Container Store (perhaps a stand in for Staples?) and organizing my many bottles of lotions and potions and jewelry and hair products I never use.  I think I tried to create my own fresh start by re-doing my bedroom.

All of this starting coming to my while I was walking along Court Street this evening.  I walked down to Barnes and Noble to buy a gift for a friend who is moving away…more change.

Have I changed?  Am I still the same silly girl buying protractors and pencils and blue binders for Social Studies class?  Or have I made some changes in my life since then?  Have I learned anything? Have you?

All this ruminating made me think- “Ohhhh let me eat something, that will feel familiar and good!”  But I didn’t want it.  I wasn’t hungry.  I didn’t have the urge for food as medicine.

I guess I’m still a girl looking for a fresh start, a chance for change, and a good fall jacket.  I’ve made changes.  I measure food now, I snack on dried fruit.  And yet I’m still the same.  Still working hard to keep those changes going – organize – and resist pasta and ‘smores.

One Response to “Things are changing all around me”

  1. AbbyT said

    I still get the fall urge to go back to school. Working at a university doesn’t help. The course lists come out for staff who want to take classes and every year I have to talk myself out of taking a class that I don’t have time for.

    To help the dual urge for starting something new and hunkering down for the fall/winter, I will give my closets, bookcases and everything else a great big clean. BIG piles of stuff go to Goodwill. And it feels sooo great.

    This kind of cleaning out also spreads to my yoga practice. I find that I enjoy and want to stay in deep hip-opening poses in yoga more in the fall than any other time. Maybe it’s because emotions and stress are held in the hips and it’s a time of emotional cleansing as well? I’m not sure, but come September, suddenly I’m inclined and even look forward (gasp!) to Frog.

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